When it came time to write this paper, Procrastination appeared before me. Dressed in sweatpants and a four-year-old unwashed tee-shirt, she pulled her unkempt hair back with a scrunchie and spoke to me.
“Hey, man! How’ve you been? I just woke up. Is that a paper you’re writing…?
“Hey, how come you never hang out with me anymore? We used to have so much fun together, sitting around, watching Netflix, staring at the wall. Sometimes we’d lie face down in bed together for hours just doing nothing! Weren’t those the days? We’d just sit around and you’d feel more and more uncomfortable about the things you had to do, but I’d calm you down! I’d say that everything was gonna be okay and that you were gonna get everything done eventually. And you did get everything done! You never missed an assignment because of the time we spent together.
“Alright that’s fair. It did make you pretty anxious. I remember you cried that one time because you were so frightened to have left something big till the last minute… but I was there for you then too! Or, as much as I could be. I tried to calm you down! I did say everything would be alright, didn’t I? And I was right! You did still get a decent grade.
“But then you just stopped doing stuff with me. I was always such a good friend! I was there for you when you needed me and when nobody else was. But you just started ignoring me. Or you’d agree to do something and bail on me at the last minute. I’ve missed you, man! And I really think you owe me some time with you after the way you’ve treated me. But I’m willing to forget it all! How ‘bout we stare at the ceiling for eight hours to patch things up?
“No?’ What d’you mean, ‘no?’ You owe me! After all I’ve done for you, you owe me! If you won’t hang out with me willingly, I’ll make you. I’ll never leave you alone for one second! I’ll heckle you about every last paper you try to write and every last reading you try to do. And we’ll see how you like me as your enemy now that you don’t want me as your friend. How dare you slight me?”
But I ignored her, and thus completed this assignment.
